I feel stuck. Broken. Like a failure.
My eczema (atopic dermatitis)) is flaring. My skin is flaking, dry, irritated. Yesterday there were pinprick infections, like a slow boil under the skin surfacing as tiny boils. I can’t remember when I haven’t had some crack or raw spot somewhere on my skin.
It’s like my most important interface between my inner and outer world, my skin, just doesn’t work properly.
I’m so fed up. I’m afraid nothing will work for me and I’ll be stuck like this. I look at my beautiful healthy robust daughter and I’m afraid I might infect her with my dis-ease, or that it will get so bad I can’t take care of her. But I also look at her and try to remember that I can be like that, too. That this too shall pass. I’m tired, maybe because I feel like my body is fighting herself. It is possible there is something I can change about my environment, but I’m fed up of trying to fix things, trying to figure out what is broken in me that I cannot see or touch. And similarly, trying to fix things in my environment I can’t see or feel.
And I know it is mostly in my brain. The symptoms are real. There is a long list of things that seem to irritate and exacerbate my skin. But the question that haunts me, pursues me, torments me, is: Why is my body so hyper-reactive? The allergens and irritants are mostly harmless. Except to me, and only because of the way my body reacts to them.
I also know my skin is really not that bad. It irritates me, distracts me, derails me, makes me feel stifled and limited, but my conscious brain knows it is not that serious. However, my brain does not seem to react rationally to my skin symptoms. I spin my wheels in my rut, trying to figure out what else I can DO to heal my skin. Even though I know it is futile. I’ve already done so much. Further restricting my diet, further controlling my environment – perhaps these draining activities might reduce my symptoms temporarily. But this busy Doing (versus Being) still does not answer the above question: Why is my body so hyper-reactive?
I tried the Dynamic Neural Retraining System but failed to uphold my promise to myself to do the practice as per the training, for an hour every day for six months. I am also doing Body Talk sessions, tantalized by the possibility of feeling much better quickly, but not sure if it has made a difference despite feeling profound insights during the sessions themselves.
And I keep wondering if I could just do MY work, my writing and music, if it would all just heal. If I got my song “Skin” recorded, if that would help.
I am so frustrated. I want to care for my daughter, I want to create. I don’t know how to make this all work, since I don’t have much financial security or resources to support me.
I want to go outside to my favourite trees when my baby wakes, but I don’t want to be seen by anyone. I want to sleep and wake up and feel good in my body. I want to escape, but it isn’t really where I am, it is me.
And I cannot run away from myself.
From this messy un-healed place of becoming, I write anyway.