i offer her food
even El Dorado & honey
she won’t take anything,
slight tick of her head like a gentle no
she is emaciated,
can barely move
i see in her eyes
she has decided.
i will leave the next day,
don’t want her to suffer
try to get the vet assistant to come to kill her, but
he doesn’t come.
* * *
i don’t see her the next day.
i think “she must have gone off on her own to die”
i feel bad i couldn’t give her a gentle death
hope she didn’t suffer.
* * *
stuck at Bina Hill an extra day
we go to a friend’s wedding
when i come back, Gilly’s voice in the dark
“your dog is dead.”
it hurts, but i already knew in my heart, “i thought so.”
” i found the body.”
“where is she?”
“by the tourism office.”
and there is her body, stretched out on her left side
light mist of raindrops on her fur.
* * *
i want to bury her.
find wheelbarrow, struggle with gate
then the surprising weight and difficulty
to get her body into wheelbarrow
i nearly vomit twice from the putrid stench
she probably died the night before
its dark, i’m tired, the ground is too hard
don’t have it in me to bury her
so i find a young tree
lay her out, running, head thrown back
howling to the moon.
i wish i could have done better for her in life and now in death
but it is peaceful
i thank her for coming briefly into my life,
and to know, just before i leave,
that she is beyond pain, hunger, and fear
her timing is impeccable.