I just had a healing epiphany.
Its hard to remember all those passwords, right? 10 years ago when I was still a geneticist, I came up with a little saying, and used various combinations of the letters from it with numbers and symbols so that I would (be more likely to) remember all those passwords. The idea was the statement would be a meaningful to me, but not something anyone else would guess.
Here, for your eyes only, is my secret statement: Wrench Meaning From Chaos.
I admit I really did have that lofty goal at the time: “Damn, Life is Confusing! So part of my Life’s mission will be to find the Meaning in that Chaos.” Remember, I was a geneticist and all those mutagens, carcinogens, toxins, and radiation in the lab might have contributed to delusions of grandeur.
Fast forward to today. It started to rain in the afternoon. I got sleepy. I’d gotten solid work done on my Dissertation, so did as my body asked and went home for a nap before dinner.
The nap took over, I just couldn’t wake up, kept resetting my alarm. Then at 6pm, in that state between waking and sleep (theta brain waves?), “Wrench Meaning From Chaos” popped into my head. And it was like I really understood it for the first time. And literally smacked my forehead. Duh! Why hadn’t I thought of this before?!?
Finding meaning in Chaos could be a fine public service. Except that’s not how I wrote the statement. “Wrench Meaning from Chaos” implies struggle, implies trying to wrench secrets out of the Universe, out of Nature. Its… kind of violent. Kind of arrogant. Kind of disrespectful.
And it certainly doesn’t serve the kind of Life I want to live now! But I hadn’t thought about it for years. And everyday, for the past 10 years, when I login to my email, withdraw money, check FB, those passwords always remind me of their root: Wrench Meaning From Chaos.
So a decade later, I admit my life has often been a Struggle, with a lot of illness, frustration, setbacks, just feeling stuck and “off”. But there has been incredible joy, breathtaking experiences, fabulous opportunities, and a lot of love and friendship. And especially in the past two years when the illnesses wouldn’t let up, a LOT of learning and evolving.
I have indeed wrenched some Meaning from Chaos, and the price has been this underlying feeling of Struggle. That things are disproportionately difficult. Even though I am identifying and changing limiting beliefs, eating well, meditating (well, sort of), learning how energy works, going to bed earlier, etc.
What impact has that ever-repeated statement had on me? One of the reasons we enlist Healers to help us on our Journeys is because we often have blind spots, and its easier for others to notice them and give us the opportunity to overcome them. But this was my secret protected statement, and no one had found it.
Yesterday I was learning about NLP, and was playing around with the statement “I recognize profound healing is happening right now.” And so it is. I know what to do. My new secret statement is “Knowing Meaning in Chaos”. I’m changing all my passwords.
And if that doesn’t work, I’ll figure out what does. Because the only thing that is certain is change. And our answers truly come from within.